I read a book a few years ago called The Artist's Way, a curriculum designed to help blocked artists wake back up and be able to create again. I picked it up after a nudge from a good friend who knew I loved art and saw it as a spiritual process. The author, Julie Cameron, so well articulates the innate human desire to create, as well as the human tendency to fear poor performance. In our fear we become frozen, robotic in our production of art or entirely losing our ability t

I am regularly impressed with the humility of clients who walk in my door. To go to counseling is to admit to your own ego that you don't have it all together, and then to bravely confess that disappointment out loud to another human being. Everyone should go to counseling. For at least six months of your life, face yourself so directly that you're willing to examine what's working and what's not, with a companion trained to support you from a differentiated position. Put on

There are two things that define the effects of trauma: A lack of consent Insufficient support Therefore, healing requires: The opportunity to consent Sufficient support Consent As a kid, one of the most motivating factors for me was remaining in control of myself. I couldn't have named this then, but if I felt forced to do something, I was not going to do it. It didn't matter if the opportunity was going to Disney World or raiding a candy shop. If you were going to try to ma

Disagreeing with you does not make a person toxic. Having a bad day does not make a person toxic. Being ignorant does not make a person toxic. Destroying others' lives is what makes you a toxic person. Toxic is the word we use to describe any environment that is more destructive than productive. You also might consider those environments poisonous or harmful. People and relationships can both be toxic. A person who is regularly harmful to others is toxic. A relationship can b

In order to develop, we have to feel safe. Once we feel safe, we can try freely, unafraid to fail (becuase we will fail). Recovering from failure is how we learn. Without safety, we can't fail. Without safety, we can't be honest about our failures. Without safety, we can't humbly acknowledge our failures. Therefore the precursers to health are safety and vulnerability. Interestingly, those are also precursors to intimacy. Safety is one of the primary concerns in the counselin

Being a child is all about fitting in. To survive, you have to assimilate into the culture in which you were born. You have to learn the language and the social rules, meet the expectations, and jump through the hoops. It's just survival. It's not moral. No one can help the culture they're born into. You can't survive without it. Adolescence is about breaking out. You start learning which rules are breakable. You push the expectations and boundaries. You look outside of your

And the two became one and lived happily ever after. The marriage we all expected to get? the beginning the pursuit the adventure the dance the climax the conclusion And yet, it hasn't even really begun. So many couples I meet with really love each other. Most come to me because they actually want to be closer, to be able to resolve their differences, to get to the root of their issues and learn how to love each other even better. But this blog isn't about them. This blog is

Sometimes clients will tell me that they are struggling with "intimacy" when what they really mean is that they're not happy with their sex lives. According to them, sometimes there's not enough of it. Sometimes they aren't enjoying the sex they are having. Sometimes it means there's too much or the act itself is overwhelming (in a bad way). Most of the time they are trying to be prudent or PC by using the word "intimacy" rather than saying the word "sex," but interestingly

A friend called me recently to consult on some support she was providing to a recovery home for women in abusive relationships. The question at hand was how we could support this home, these women and the staff who care for them, in addition to any children involved from a psychological standpoint. This is a tough question because often humans recently rescued from traumatic situations are stuck mentally and emotionally in survival . While they may be immediately physically s

This question is wildly so much harder than it seems. Many clients come into the counseling office because something is off in their life. They're unhappy, they're frustrated, they're overwhelmed. But when I ask them what they hoping to get out of the experience, sometimes it's very hard for them to tell me. What do you want? Being disgruntled is a great place to start. Knowing what you don't want is better than knowing nothing at all. But the harder question will always b

I loved school, but I especially loved math. It was the only subject where there was a single correct solution to a concrete problem. The simplicity was relieving in a world of grey. Getting points off on my math tests lit a fire in me to identify the problem I missed and figure out the actual answer. I immediately combed through the exam number by number, looking for what exactly I had gotten wrong. Quite a few times I found mistakes my teachers had made. The voracious hunt

Anytime you commit to a relationship with someone, you're essentially agreeing to work the emotional ground between you. It's a joint...

Being a counselor, I practice some of the most intense forms of attunement and care, without getting anything in return but the...

You don't even know what you don't know. Often clients come into my office realizing that they're missing something in life, but they're...

What does it mean to grow up? Oftentimes clients in my office come to a realization that they are relating to the world as helpless...

Did you have to come to this party or did you get to? Did you have to work today or did you get to? Do you have to follow those rules or...

The culture I live in does not support grief well. We do a lot to avoid feeling sad. We get busy. We rapid fire stimulate our brains. We...

My third kid came out a lot like me. He had high energy, was generally very happy, and did NOT like being told no. From very early he was...

When I first started my job as a counselor I was incredibly optimistic. I thought I could help every person who walked into my office. I...

One of the trickiest elements of depression is the tendancy to start to believe that we have nothing to give. Depression causes us to...