False Peace

And the two became one and lived happily ever after.

The marriage we all expected to get?

the beginning

the pursuit

the adventure

the dance

the climax

the conclusion

And yet, it hasn't even really begun.

So many couples I meet with really love each other. Most come to me because they actually want to be closer, to be able to resolve their differences, to get to the root of their issues and learn how to love each other even better.

But this blog isn't about them.

This blog is about the couple who has decided not to do the work it takes to love each other well. These couples probably tried at some point. Early on, one party or the other reached out and made an effort to resolve some difference they'd identified. That party desired deeper intimacy, deeper connection, actual unity rather than uniformity. But the effort was unwanted. The other party was "happy enough" to keep the status quo and thereby shut down the resolution. While party one grieved, party two was relieved. We could go on in "peace".

Many couples never clarify the different expectations they once had for their marriages. They jumped in with both feet, hoping naively for the best, but never addressing the hard truths of those expectations.

Who am I to judge good enough? To each his own.

But I wouldn't call this situation peace. I wouldn't call what they have actual closeness. Those relationships aren't intimate. Some of those relationships I might label professional. They are business partners united around a common goal, whatever goal that may be. Maybe even "peace".

But that type of peace is merely superficial lack of overt conflict, like the surface of a pond while the duck feet flap furiously beneath. Often these couples feel the tension and learn to express their dissatisfaction in passive aggressive moves, stabbing one another "jokingly" or "accidentally" making each other late to events.

I could also call those relationships fake, depending on how much we are pretending they are close. It's false peace at the very least. And for some, this is good enough.

There is really nothing inherently wrong with shallow relationships. You can't be close to everyone. You have to pick and choose which relationships are worth investing in. It's ok to be just acquaintances with most people. In fact, it's wise to recognize when a relationship just isn't worth the effort it will take to be closer.

But sometimes shallow isn't good enough. Sometimes you want more and it's worth it to try to reconcile those differences.

Couples who are both brave enough to address differences are often overwhelmed with the prospect of doing so, afraid of losing themselves or their power in the relationship, leading to an overly zealous attempt often ending in a breakup. Those who have had high-intensity conflict often swing ditch to ditch between avoiding the conflict all together and then pushing way too hard, way too loud, way too mean.

The only way for conflict to actually breed intimacy is for it to be approached with great carefulness and a tenacious effort toward reconciliation. You can't quit when it gets hard, you just have to reset. You have to face and embrace hurt feelings, taking turns, and bruised egos. It requires you to both humble yourself and be quiet long enough to hear and understand your adversary.

But tackling this conflict with such effort is the only way closer. Being closer brings up conflict. Effective conflict brings more closeness.

This is true in our friendships, our partnerships, our organizations and our communities. If we want to be known and to know one another, we have to do the work of addressing differences gently and with kindness. With curiosity and vulnerability we can actually do the work of building connections.