Elements of Trauma/Healing

There are two things that define the effects of trauma:

1. A lack of consent

2. Insufficient support

Therefore, healing requires:

1. The opportunity to consent

2. Sufficient support

Consent

As a kid, one of the most motivating factors for me was remaining in control of myself. I couldn't have named this then, but if I felt forced to do something, I was not going to do it. It didn't matter if the opportunity was going to Disney World or raiding a candy shop. If you were going to try to make me do it (God forbid you try to trick me into doing it), I was going to use all my power to resist. Even if I physically complied, my heart remained solidly against. It was the only power I felt I had.

I didn't know it then, but my nervous system was hard-wired to prevent trauma. Fortunately I've always been pretty resilient (and my parents are patient).

A lot of kids don't have the same opportunity. Some are naturally more easy-going, some are more afraid, some have un-empowered voices. Some aren't given the opportunity to say no. Some don't even realize what they're being manipulated into.

As an adult I found myself in a situation manipulated by a system that condemned me to permanent emotional neglect. I am being vague for now, and may share more with you later, Reader, but for now just know that I did not entirely consent to my situation. While I looked like I agreed and signed my name on the dotted line, my brain wasn't even fully developed when I made my choice to join the system--as are so many others' before the age of twenty-four.

If you can't read the whole contract, you can't consent.

Many religious systems put people on a conveyor belt of submission early in life. "You must do this (x, y, z) or be condemned to death or hell or ostracization." Threat of death do not leave room for consent. Choices made in the fear of dying or alienation are compulsory, not voluntary.

Just going to leave this right here...

Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. --2 Corinthians 9:7 (NIV)

God Himself acknowledges that anything given out of obligation is of lesser quality. Seems like he would make space for free choices.

The minute you realize you have a choice is the minute you get to make a new choice. Healing requires you actively choose the kind of life you're going to live, rather than remain a slave to former choices. As a free adult, you get to make your own choices and you even get to change your mind. If you've been a part of a system that has condemned you to stay chained to your former choices, you no longer have to be a part of that system.

Support

The second element of trauma is the lack of support. This means that with enough support hard things aren't as hard! In healthy systems when one part of the system experiences stress, the rest of the system steps up to lighten the load. If one part is temporarily weak, the other parts compensate with strength and vice versa. But in unhealthy systems there is not enough support, so things break. Sometimes those things are people.

This is where therapy comes in. One of our highest ethical principals in the field of counseling is informed consent. We are commanded to give each client a full list of theories, procedures, and potential risks and benefits before we begin treatment. Clients get to decide if they want this and can stop at any time.

Our job is also to come alongside in emotional and psychological support. Whatever the hard thing is that you are trying to heal from, we will be with you (in the counseling office). We aren't living out the consequences of your life, so we are able to remain more objective. We can bare the weight of the pain with you and make space for your honest experience, as complex as it may be.

This is the work of therapy. Let the healing begin.