The Marriage Garden

Anytime you commit to a relationship with someone, you're essentially agreeing to work the emotional ground between you. It's a joint venture. Wanna build a garden together? I have seeds. You have compost. I have soil. You have water. Let's do this!

The hope is that together we build something we couldn't have built alone. Or at least something better than we could have built alone. In marriage, of course the official agreement on the commitment is important (the wedding ceremony), but the real work is in the planning, planting, tending, weeding, pruning, and gathering. The work is never exactly as you expected it, but good gardeners are resilient. They adjust as they go according to the needs of the garden. The communicate about the needs of the garden. They collaborate and negotiate on the tasks.

When two people agree to build a garden together and then only one person tends it, they may still harvest some valuable produce, but they will also likely grow some significant resentment between them. This was not the agreement. The tasks are significant. The costs on the only worker are too great. Is it appropriate for there to be seasons where one works harder and then seasons when the other does? Of course. That is reasonable cooperation. But for only one to work is not just, nor kind.

Unfortunately I have seen a lot of marriage gardens with only one gardener. I have also seen some with two dedicated gardeners! My job in my office includes clarifying who is actually working on the marriage garden and what exactly they're both hoping to harvest from it. Success in marriage counseling depends firmly on an agreed upon goal and equally willing partners.

Many marriage and family therapists fail to assess the buy-in of both partners. They err in pushing both gardeners to do more work, when only one is really willing. They assume both partners want the same thing, when often they do not. When this happens, the willing gardener just works harder--widening the gap between their efforts, exacerbating the problem. The one worker feels even more desperate and isolated, while the non-worker continues sitting in their complacency. In an environment of unequal effort, even pressure equals more inequality.

What really needs to happen in therapy for these couples is accountability for the non-worker, and clarification of expectations and commitment to a garden that benefits both parties.

How is your marriage garden? Are you both benefitting? Have you both been doing your part? If you've been doing your part and yet resentment and frustration grows, it might be time to clarify the goals and expectations. What are you hoping to gain from your marriage? What will it require from each partner in order for that to happen?

Unsplash Erda Estremere