What does it mean to grow up?
Oftentimes clients in my office come to a realization that they are relating to the world as helpless children or angsty teenagers when they'd rather be calm adults. How do they get there?
Emotional children are stuck in survival mode, dependent on a caregiver to make life happen for them. They certainly can't live within their means, take good care of their bodies, or discipline themselves. They try to be good little boys and girls, sometimes in a perfectionistic way. They struggle to be resilient or learn from their mistakes because they can't face their own failures without fear of punishment. They are hyper-focused on the approval of others and aren't very in tune with their own needs. They certainly can't regulate their own emotions.
Being an emotional child is normal for an actual child, but for an adult it's problematic. If you get married as an emotional child, your new spouse just becomes your new parent. Intimacy is sparse. Marriage is often full of resentment on both sides.
Emotional adolescents are stronger, but stuck in a pattern of rebellion. They do a lot of things to prove that they can't be controlled, often cutting off their noses to spite their faces. They refuse to submit to reasonable expectations from others and sometimes basic requirements of adulthood. While they might be able to balance a budget and keep a house clean, they won't. They refuse to commit to things. They still feel tremendous shame at failure so they hide or act like they don't care.
Being an emotional adolescent is normal for an actual adolescent, but for an adult it's problematic. If you get married as an emotional adolescent you're not very good at attuning to your partner's needs and requests. You might take care of yourself but you expect them to not ever need you. You are more competitive than collaborative because you see every opportunity for cooperation as a challenge for you to prove you can't be controlled. Marriage, again, is often full of resentment and potentially loneliness.
Emotional adults on the other hand know how to relate to other adults as equals. When parenting is needed, they parent themselves gently and kindly. They are able to say to themselves, "Hey, you messed up. It's not ok to keep that up, but you can change and do better. Let's do better." They face those failures and learn from them. They admit fault and apologize.
Emotional adults are willing to commit to things and follow through. They don't have to hide, so they are transparent about their actions and choices. They don't overly depend on others, but they do accept help. They feel and manage their own emotions. They work together with others, humbly allowing themselves to be influenced, but not without discernment. They are not victims. They own their choices and take responsibility for the care of their bodies and steward their resources well.
Emotional adults (as long as they marry another emotional adult) enjoy the partnership and coordination of life that comes with marriage. They communicate clearly and directly. They are considerate and attuned to others, without losing their sense of self.
What about you? Are you ready to grow up? Sometimes people get stuck in early phases of development because of trauma. They just didn't have what they needed. Then when they were old enough to gather their own resources, they didn't realize they could or weren't ready. If that's the case for you, there is hope! You can do the work it takes to heal from the injuries that have kept you down. It's time to go to counseling to face that grief and the grief that often comes from not doing your work until well into your adulthood. Just facing the injuries honestly is one of the first brave steps of emotional adulthood.
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