She's Insatiable. I'm not enough.

This narrative is one of the most common themes I see in marital therapy. Wife is unhappy with the relationship. Husband agrees to attend therapy. He doesn't really see any problem with the relationship, but his wife's concern is important to him. He's invested enough to be there, but not necessarily invested in the healing process (yet).

Once we dig into the work, I hear some version of "She's insatiable. I'm not enough."

This is a tricky spot for all therapists. We have to somehow navigate the validation of both parties' experiences without invalidating the other person.

In this case she needs to hear that it is ok for her to have needs. It is ok for her to express desire and discontent. He needs to be seen in his feelings of worthlessness (you might even call it impotence).

The danger, in my opinion, is in supporting both parties we may accidentally imply that there is nothing to be done. If she's insatiable and he's not enough, what more can we do than drop our heads and slink away in despair? (This is the point a less experienced therapist may just join the couple in their hopelessness).

Often these wives are very near resignation. Sometimes they are privately considering divorce. Sometimes they are just about ready to accept a future of bitterness, neglect, or betrayal! If there is nothing to be done, they are hopeless beyond pulling the plug either legally or emotionally.

To say, "I'll never be enough for her," is dangerously close to saying, "I'm not even willing to try."

So while I can validate the feelings of fear and overwhelm, I will challenge this narrative. The feelings can be real, and yet so are practical solutions. A person can be satisfied with their life in general, able to enjoy moments and savor what is good, and still long for growth and improvement. To say someone is insatiable is to suggest they are unreasonable and that effort is completely fruitless.

As a systemic therapist I will always check to make sure that what's being asked is coming from a place of health. A woman without sufficient external and internal support could very likely be asking for too much. If she doesn't have a good root system of friends or hasn't done her trauma work to establish a humble, confident identity, we have to start there. But once that's been assessed, I am going to lean into her dream for the marriage. Once we've identified a clear step to be taken, most women are happy with progress. Most women are overjoyed with real effort. (Real effort. Not lip service.)

And to give credit - most men do decide to make real effort and reciprocally enjoy the connection they find through it! Most men appreciate a clear, actionable goal. Progress may be slow at first. We have to learn to celebrate the wins and honestly, gracefully recover from the fail points. But most couples who come to therapy actually want things to improve and actually do the work to get better.

She is not insatiable, she just wants improvement. You are enough and can do the work.