Toxic Relationships

Disagreeing with you does not make a person toxic.

Having a bad day does not make a person toxic.

Being ignorant does not make a person toxic.

Destroying others' lives is what makes you a toxic person.

Toxic is the word we use to describe any environment that is more destructive than productive. You also might consider those environments poisonous or harmful. People and relationships can both be toxic. A person who is regularly harmful to others is toxic. A relationship can be toxic because of the dynamic between the people in it.

A toxic relationship is one in which at least one of the parties is being destroyed rather than supported and encouraged. A relationship can be toxic for one person while still enjoyable to the other. It can be satisfying for one party, while the other is deeply unsatisfied.

Relationships that are perpetually unbalanced or nonreciprocal are toxic.

As a therapist, the health of relationships is one of the most common topics of discussion in my office. Whether it is a couple who has come to me for help or an individual, a very common hope is for me to help them navigate a relationship that has become destructive for them.

Ethically, I can't tell a client what to do. I'm not the one who will have to live with the consequences of their decisions and actions, so I stay out of the driver's seat in their lives. But I can help them personally assess and navigate relationships in their lives. Similar to making a pro-con list, we often look together at the effects of those relationships on their lives and personhood. What costs and benefits are provided by each relationship?

Permanently cutting off a toxic relationship is a very serious step that often comes with significant costs, even if health and freedom are gained. Tremendous grief and reorientation often follow, so I try very hard to help clients weigh those costs, especially if the relationship is familial or marital.

I have supported many clients deeply lamenting the loss of relationships in their lives, both for cutting off or having been cut off, intensifying my desire to help clients make their behavior decisions very carefully. Clients often try again and again to confront the destruction gently, adjusting after each step, with great patience and careful feedback.

When a client makes the call to cut off a relationship, I mourn with them. I can see how they have done their best, exhausted their options, and many times prayerfully endured for years. It is not my job to talk them into trying again.

If you have been cut off, I am so sorry. It always hurts, even if the cut off was justified. I recommend seeing your own counselor to grieve that wound and work through healing for yourself and perhaps reconcilliation if you are eventually given another chance. It can also be powerful to have an objective observer help you parcel through the evidence you were given before being cut off.

If you have cut somone off, I am so sorry. Despite recognizing toxicity it is never easy to let go of someone you longed to be in close relationshp with. My prayer is that you also connect with a safe competent professional who can help you sort through the environment of toxicity and learn to cultivate something different in your next relationships.