Sex Does Not Equal Intimacy

Sometimes clients will tell me that they are struggling with "intimacy" when what they really mean is that they're not happy with their sex lives. According to them, sometimes there's not enough of it. Sometimes they aren't enjoying the sex they are having. Sometimes it means there's too much or the act itself is overwhelming (in a bad way).

Most of the time they are trying to be prudent or PC by using the word "intimacy" rather than saying the word "sex," but interestingly they are accidentally correct in that intimacy is usually the real problem, not sex.

Sex without intimacy is just bodies bumping together.

The physical act of sex is simple compared to intimacy. The body and mind respond to stimulation, so when you know how to stimulate them, they tend to "work" sexually. If all you're really concerned about is having more effective stimulation, there is a whole host of books and podcasts by brilliant sex therapists who can teach you just what to do. But I am not a sex therapist.

As a marriage and family therapist, when people come to my office, they are not just looking for a course on sexual stimulation. They tend to want deeper connection with their partner, more satisfying physical and emotional connections, more fun, more freedom, more peace and safety.

Sex is an avenue for intimacy, but it can't create intimacy. Fixing the stimulation doesn't typically fix the relationship problem. While the body does produce the bonding hormone oxytocin when we're touched and especially when we orgasm, if we're not already feeling close to the person we're touching we can feel unsafe or even dissociate from the experience, causing psychological damage.

Forced sex and pressured sex are both harmful. Saying yes when we mean no is harmful. Saying yes out of duty (obligation sex) is harmful. Showing up with your body but not your heart and mind is harmful.

Similarly, sexual experiences focused solely on one partner's pleasure have high potential for damaging the relationship. So when this happens repeatedly, the relationship is definitely harmed. (See Sheila Gregoire's book The Great Sex Rescue for more data and info on this).

Intimacy is much more complicated than sex and requires much more humanity (than pure animalistic drive). In my course and workbook The Truth About Holy Sex, I introduce the basic skills to build intimacy. It takes work! That work is vulnerable, but highly rewarding. Connecting on a deep level with yourself, your partner, and ultimately your Creator is nothing short of satisfying. AND (big surprise here) often results in more satisfying sex.

So let's use the right words. Are you wanting to connect more deeply? Start with learning how to be truly intimate, how to know others and allow yourself to be truly known.