Too Much Pressure on the Marriage Bed

A lot of Christian marriage advice suggests that husbands and wives should be getting one-hundred percent of their connection and deep intimacy from the marriage bed, suggesting that if couples (read "men") don't have sex (read "intercourse"), they're deprived of an innate human need. No one's really talking about what women need in this scenario, as if women don't have any intimacy needs.

This leaves wives with the weight of being the sole provider via her body for her husband's deepest need.

This leaves husbands helpless and dependent on their wives and their wives' bodies for their basic well being.

How can this equation not equal resentment?!? It puts tremendous pressure on the marriage bed to "go well," and for sex to happen often. It robs both partners of a joyful union brought together by free will and consenting choice. It encourages obligation sex (think dead fish enthusiasm or faking it).

There is a tremendous amount of rethinking we need to do around sex education in the church, but here's one place to start: the marriage bed, while sacred, is not the one and only source of connection for married couples.

Sex between people, in order to be joyful, free, and deeply connecting must be a choice cultivated out of the health and well-being of two independent humans. Humans who are whole and free and deeply rooted in community with other humans. Humans who know themselves and are empowered as adults to care for their own needs and enjoy who they are, regardless of the current state of their sexual relationship.

Let's take the pressure off the marriage bed. Let's set it free so it can be a joyful choice, protected because it's cherished, not because we're afraid.

For more info on developing healthy sexuality as a believer in Jesus, consider my workshop: The Truth About Holy Sex: A Workshop for People Who Love Jesus and Want to Love Sex. I am also currently collaborating with fourteen other faithful sex educators for the month of September on a compliation of resources for the married couple called The 2026 Intimacy Vault. Use my code BRANDI26 for 30% off!