The Cost of Speaking Up

Victims of abuse often have to work through a wave of shame for not sharing what happened to them. They think, "Why didn't I say something sooner?" "Why didn't I speak up?" This is often compounded by the public narrative that, "If something like that happened, why did you wait till now to do something about it.?!? If you'd told us sooner we could have done something." But that shame is completely unhelpful.

Speaking up about injustices that happen to you, while essential to correcting the broken system, is engaging in a fight you likely won't win (at least without tremendous cost). From moment one there is backlash: invalidation, blame, defensiveness, bullying, and ostracization. If you were a child when you experienced the injustice you risked losing the very connections that helped you survive. Women hear, "What were you wearing?" or "What did you do to provoke him?" or "What was your part in that?"

Men who experience abuse get a double dose of shame in revelation as society expects them to protect themselves and/or "appreciate" sexual abuse at a young age.

So before speaking up about anything bad that happens, the body does quick math to decide if speaking up is worth the cost of the backlash. For most people it is not. We can't blame them for considering the cost, nor for shirking that cost when they're already wounded by the experience.

If you are a victim of abuse, I hope you will find someone you can share with. Perhaps you're not ready for public revelation, but I hope there will be at least one person who can help you shoulder that grief so you don't have to carry it alone.