Making Things Right

As a family therapist, relationships are high on the list of topics my clients want to work through. Often they are in conflict with a person whom they love dearly and want to be close to. Unfortunately they are often trying to navigate this connection amidst of history of harm and offense. They want reconciliation, but can't find a way forward through residual pain.

Reconciliation means "coming back together," implying that a connection that was once felt is currently broken or estranged. Sometimes in such deep desire to connect, clients want to skip past the residual pain and jump right back into trying again.

This is just not possible without fracturing consequences. Pain buried alive doesn't stay dead. The only way to deeply assuage pain between people is with an acknowledgement (apology), an intentional letting go (forgiveness), and comfort. Clients wanting to move forward have to face the pain directly--pain they have caused and their own pain caused by someone else.

People who really want a fresh start have to begin with an acknowledgement. This means looking honestly at your actions and how they have caused harm. It also means curiosity about the harm, even empathizing with your victim to feel the pain with them. Seeing your part of the problem then must lead to an honest apology.

The second step toward a fresh start includes asking for forgiveness. Though you have no right to demand forgiveness, humbly asking for it values your victim and validates their pain. It's also important to forgive yourself! Forgiving yourself does not mean justifying your actions. Rather, forgiving yourself means humbly accepting the unearned grace needed to move forward in all relationships.

The third step is comfort. As the causer of pain, you may not be the one who can also give comfort, but you can offer it. Comforting someone in pain includes serving your victim in the capacity they desire, whether that is reassurance, kindness, physical affection or a literal act of service. The victim is the one who gets to determine what they need.

As the receiver of pain, you can and should expect these steps from your offender as well. Without these steps you are walking into another unnecessarily risky endeavor. You deserve better. You can be kind regardless, but opening yourself back up again to someone who is not willing to do the work to repair is simply unwise. Make things right.