Safe and Secure

Human thriving requires connection. We're not designed to be islands. Isolation brings disease, disfunction and sorrow. But we can't connect deeply without a sense of both safety and security. What's the difference between those?

A sense of safety is the gut feeling that we are free to be ourselves, without threat of harm. This is why being around children often feels safe. They're small. They don't judge. They laugh and smile easily. They are vulnerable themselves! They want to play. All of these things signal to the mind and body that I don't have to worry too much about being self-conscious. I don't have to protect myself around them. I can relax and just be me, or even join in the fun.

If you meet a person who is safe, you can feel it deep in your bones. It may take a bit of time being around them to guage if they are the kind of person who accepts you as you are. They may have to show you a few of their own cards first before you can trust that they won't criticize yours. But once they reveal, you can start to relax. A person who is emotionally reactive, shaming or poorly attuned often does not feel safe to be around.

Providing safety for others means letting them be themselves. It means listening without judgement; listening more than telling. Being safe means joining in others' sorrow as well as their happiness, pacing with them and trusting them to live their lives, rather than trying to control their choices. It's sitting close, but with open hands.

Security on the other hand is more of a sense of a person's devotion to you. Some social scientists call this permanance. It's a sense of rootedness, where you feel you can rely on a particular person to provide for your needs. It helps greatly if they are both attuned and responsive to your needs.

One type of security comes from feeling like you have enough money. While money isn't a person, it is reliably useful in a capitalist society. Another example is having a stable family. Even when families or marriages don't feel safe, they can still provide security, simply by sticking around and not changing much!

Being a person who provides security means consistently showing up. It means committing and following through with what you promise. It means being transparent and honest. It means making sure you are regularly available for connection when it's desired.

When building your community, look for people who provide both safety and security. It's important for you to feel like you can be yourself. It's important for you to feel like you can depend on someone to show up. If someone is offering you one of these but not the other, you don't need to throw them out but keep in mind they are likely not a good choice for your most inner circle of support. Keep your eyes and heart open to find connections that are willing to do both. And consider how you are providing these things for others!

Unsplash: Brian Asare