Conscientious Objector to Patriarchy

Patriarchy is the term referred to colloquially as the system that values some over others. It's the system that gives power (and more money) to those with the most money. It expects some to work a little, while requiring others to work the skin off their own fingers. It's the system that says some voices are more important than other voices. It's not men. It's more like "the man."

Patriarchy affects everyone. For those at the bottom it's oppressive and frustrating, demeaning and depressive. For those at the top it promotes laziness and entitlement. It hides the real struggle and real responsibility, thus protecting the system from ever having to change. For all of us it breeds a sense of hopelessness and fear.

This post is my confession following a recent realization that I have been propping up the patriarchy. And I'm trying to be done with that. While I haven't been at the very top, I have enjoyed association with many at the top. It has given me stability and support and opportunities that I know not everyone gets. While I am grateful for all of those things, I'm realizing now that continuing to be quiet and cooperative when I see oppression is exactly the price of all that support.

As a white woman in the mid-south, I am internally programmed to do most of the emotional work in relationships. I am good that this. I have been a pursuer my whole life. I have fought and chased and done way more than my fair share of accomplishing the American dream. I never wanted to let a teammate down. What I'm realizing now is that not everyone is equally motivated.

My best friends are also pursuers. Don't get me wrong--I really enjoy humans. I find them interesting, funny and inspiring. But I can't possibly chase them all with great cost to myself. I've run out!

Making a "first move" isn't wrong. I can show up and reveal my availability for friendship. I can be voluntarily vulnerable with those I deem worth a shot. What I can no longer do is put up with minimal effort. The more chances I give, when a person is clearly not making much effort, the more I prop up the system of patriarchy. The more I "believe the best" when there is so much evidence to the contrary, I enable laziness.

I'm done. I am now hereby declaring myself a conscientious objector to patriarchy. I will no longer be participating in a system where I do more of the work. I will do my fair share and that's it. My fair share includes continuing to pursue those in need! I will make effort toward the marginalized and give generously to those who show up with meager hands, but I am going to do a better job of not feeding the monster.

Props to Jennie Young and the Burned Haystack Dating Method for showing me some things.