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As I'm venturing into the better world where men and women are no longer afraid of each other, I have a lingering concern that I am going to trigger some other woman's anxiety about her husband's faithfulness.

If I DM a dude straight out without including his wife, is she going to assume that I am trying to start something up? If he DMs me… will it make my husband insecure? I can see how the potential secrecy of direct relationships could be fertile grounds for inappropriate connection, but is privacy the same thing as secrecy? The Matt Chandler debacle brings up this very question—how private is too private?

In his instance both Matt's wife and the husband of the woman he DMed were aware of the messages between them. For as much as we know, THEY HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THE DMs. It appears to have been a direct relationship, but it was still public enough for the spouses (the two people to whom I think it should matter more than anyone else) to know about and approve of. Why weren't they the final communal call on how appropriate this was? Do we really need to call for presidential approval every time we want to be friends with someone?

If we become brave enough to speak directly to the opposite sex, even PRIVATELY, I don't think this is the same thing as a SECRET conversation. In fact, maybe if we practice privacy with prudence (still not in view of everyone, but at least full transparency with the few that matter to us most), couldn't we relax just a little bit knowing that even if we get off the path a little, our people will gracefully and truthfully guide us back on?

It only works if we're transparent and our people are honest with us. Let's do better.

Unsplash: Andre Bandarra

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