For most of my religious life "lust" has been the term used by my community to shame any out-of-bounds sexual behavior. People use it in recovery programs to describe their abuse of pornography and out-of-control impulsive sexual behaviors. But I believe lust is both inaccurate in describing the problem with sexuality and insufficient to describe the problem of longing for things that aren't yours.
In terms of sexuality, there are certainly behaviors, including thinking patterns and habits, that contribute to the harm and objectification of humans. This is more than lust. This is our failure to understand the value of humanity. It's our failure to see sex as a means to bless and protect, rather than consume and destroy. It's an under-value of the deep longing of all humans to know others and be known. We are made for more than production, greed, and self-protection.
As for the problem with longing, it's not simple. Longing for things you don't currently have is a natural and powerful instinct of humans. Our imaginations help us to see beyond where we currently are. We can create mental worlds, inspire powerful work and empower faith. When we no longer have hope for better futures, we die.
But there is a way to use your imagination that absolutely destroys the life you currently have. When we spend so much time and energy focused on a future we don't yet have, we become perpetually discontent. Yes, sexual lust is a problem, but so is constantly wishing we had something else.... a better job, a better home, a better family, a better parter. We miss the blessings and goodness we are currently provided.
It's ok to recognize that some part of your life is not working well. If that's the case, you are appropriately discontent. The moment you realize it, you can do something about it. Be honest with yourself about the choices you've made that got you here. Grieve the effects of things that have happened to you. But don't just keep dreaming with no action, own your current choices! Wallowing, wishing, and lying to yourself are ineffective strategies. Use your voice. Use your agency. Start walking in a different direction. You have one life to live and a brief time to live it.
In the midst of that waking up, don't forget the good you already have. Just because one part of your life is messed up doesn't mean you have nothing. Hang on to the good parts and see them as a sign of the hope to come. Don't choose to live in lust, but rather practice the powerful force of gratitude and own your actions to move forward.
Often people who struggle with sexual lust are actually struggling with knowing how to deeply connect. They are not just raging sexual monsters who can't contain themselves. What they are actually longing for is to know others and be known themselves. The ways they were taught to connect sexually are ineffective, short-sighted, and often self-centered. Those methods are often high pleasure, but low intimacy, resulting in unsatisfying sexual connection. So of course they are longing for more.
When we're unsatisfied, we often just try again, more often, with more intensity, resulting in feelings of addiction or impulsivity. We can't stop because we're so desparetly in need of real connection. Our methods aren't working.
If sexual lust is your problem, first recognize that the need you feel is real. It is good and important for you to know others and to be known. There is nothing wrong with your need! But to get it met, you're going to have to learn some different methods. Satisfying sexual connection needs to be safe, mutual, vulnerable and pleasurable for both parties. Being vulnerable is actually a bit scary! If you don't know how to do this, it's time to learn.
Beating yourself up for sexual lust is not the solution. Validate the desire to connect and learn how to do it more effectively. Learn how to allow yourself to be know. Take some risk in allowing others to see you. Learn to slow down and focus on your partner; pace with them. Allow them to care for you.
Humans are designed with beautiful gifts of imagination. We can see futures we aren't currently experiencing. We are also given a voice, agency, and resources to learn and develop toward those futures. By practicing gratitude and acknowledging our current options we can move toward deeper and more satisfying connections with each other.
For more on this topic, consider my course The Truth About Holy Sex.
Unsplash: Pedro Lastra
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