Leaning In

You and a friend meet for coffee. Over steaming lattes you chat it up about careers and the kids, politics and the stupid TikTok you watched yesterday. Then she says, "So, things with my marriage aren't going well these days."

You now have two options... nod your head and then bring up how you're going to go visit your friend in Utah next week OR show compassion and curiosity, maybe even a little vulnerability of your own.

There are plenty of reasons for Option A. Maybe you've already had a long day. Maybe you have your own drama going on. Maybe you have ADHD. Maybe talking about deep stuff is intimidating or uncomfortable for you. Maybe it's just not what you want with this friend.

But there are good reasons for Option B as well. You want to be a good friend. You have been in a hard place yourself before and you appreciated companionship. You value intimacy.

Option B is often referred to in my career as "leaning in." It's one of the things I'm paid to do well as a licensed mental health professional. But in my own personal life, its even harder than in my job. Because leaning in costs something.

Leaning in not only costs emotional energy, but also attunement (which is careful attention to another person). You feel like you weigh more after those conversations. And if you really let yourself feel the pain and vulnerability of another human, you hurt with them. You are nervous with them. You are afraid with them.

Now a differentiated human can still tell the difference between their pain and your own, but if you feel it, you also experience a bit of the vulnerability--that feeling of weakness and risk of being hurt yourself, because now you care.

There are other ways to lean in--by going first in being vulnerable: sharing the hard, honest, not so pretty or cleaned up parts of your own life, admitting faults, apologizing, letting someone know how much you care about them or like them. All of these are excellent ways to lean in. They all bring with them a certain amount of risk. There is the risk of being rejected, the risk of being hurt, and the risk of being emotionally dropped or ignored.

But leaning in is the path to connection and deep intimacy. When you lean in and so do they, where do you land?? Closer. Where could you safely lean in today?

Unsplash: Andrew Draper