Basic Need: Reassurance

You walk into the first day at your new job excitedly wearing your red shoes. No one else is wearing red shoes. You gulp, put on your brave face and do your best, the whole time on the edge of a blush, feeling like everyone is staring at you.

Are you insecure? Yes.

Should you be? YES.

Building a new relationship or connecting with a new community is a vulnerable risk. You're putting yourself in a position to potentially be rejected. Humans intuitively understand we're not safe when we're isolated and alone. Our bodies respond to this stress by being on edge, vigilant about both potential dangers and signs of rejection.

Just like dogs will turn on the weakest member of a pack if they become too ill or frail, humans also instinctively kick out weaker members of their groups. Being new puts you at especially high risk to be kicked out.

So the insecurity you feel isn't wrong or bad. It's normal. And rational!

Our culture often values independence and confidence, so when we start to feel needy, we can shame ourselves and others. What's wrong with me?!? Get over it! I'm fine! Stop freaking out! But what if you're not so crazy to be scared? If you don't need to be shamed in that moment, what do you actually need?

The real need in a moment of insecurity is to be reassured. So I'm fine! isn't actually a bad idea, as long as it's said with gentleness compassion. If our connections aren't secure, we need to clarify our place and the appropriateness of our behavior in any particular group. Getting feedback from the group is a great idea.

Am I getting this right?

Is it ok that I wore my red shoes?

Is this what was expected and wanted?

Your very rational insecurity can be cured with a little reassurance and clarification. Some groups do this well for new members, letting them know how they're getting it right or wrong quickly, thereby helping members adjust. Some people are good at being reassuring. Others may not even recognize the need. Giving graceful feedback is a loving thing to do. It sets teams and new relationships up for success.

So next time you're feeling a bit insecure, ask for feedback! You're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you. Humbly ask for feedback and reassurance so you can move on from there.

Unsplash: Mikita