Why "More Sex" isn't the Solution

There is a regular complaint from some partners that if they could just have more sex in their relationship that life would be better. I've even heard of pastors and other therapists recommending this to their parishioners and clients. But "more sex" is a risky prescription at best and an overly simplistic solution to a deeper, more complex problem.

Of course there are couples who have accidentally drifted away from prioritizing special time together, but most couples who feel they're not having enough sex are actually not safely and intimately connected.

The real problem lies in figuring out where the disconnect happened and how to re-engage with one another mentally and emotionally. When emotional connection is prioritized between couples who love each other, more sex tends to follow.

"Not enough sex" isn't the problem. "Not enough connection" is.

But what is intimate connection? Connection is what happens when two people slow down enough to know one another at a deep level. Connection is found in honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. Connection happens when couples attune to one another and make space for one another to share what's going on inside of them. When couples are able to share how they are feeling, revealing their fears, hopes, dreams, and desires, they feel understood. They feel seen by one another.

A person who doesn't know themself can't do much to reveal that self to a partner. A person who is shut down like a robot performing duties is barely emotionally alive enough to connect. A person who discredits or doesn't value their own emotions won't even for one minute vulnerably share those with their partner. A person who is so consumed or overwhelmed with their own experience doesn't have the capacity to meet someone else in theirs. All of these circumstances make connection difficult, which make quality sex unlikely.

Encouraging more sex when the emotional and psychological components of intimate connection aren't met is a dangerous recipe for dissociation, a damaging, unsatisfying experience for all. It also increases the likelihood of one partner feeling used, bringing hurt and lasting resentment. Prescribing more sex rather than more connection also increases the pressure to perform, turning sex into a charade or ruse, rather than a mutual pleasure-centered delight.

If your relationship is currently suffering from "not enough sex" consider the factors that are inhibiting your connection. Decide together what you want to do to reconnect and find your way back to each other.

For more on this broader concept of sex and intimacy, consider my course, "Sex is Good."