Want to Earn Trust? Tell on Yourself

When my kids were little they would do their darndest to get away with piddly little sins: sneaking candy, not brushing their teeth, pinching their brother. I caught them quite often, but would always wait just a bit to see if they would tell on themselves. I was watching for that spark of a conscience, the beginnings of social responsibility, and the evidence of trust in my relationship with them. The more they would tell on themselves, the more I knew they were ready to try in the big wide world. If they were honest with themselves and honest with me, I knew I would be able to support them appropriately as they grew independent.

If I had to catch them, I knew they weren't ready.

Being a counselor I am well practiced at reading people. Once you learn, it's easy to see the tells that reveal a person is not being entirely honest. For a person who likes to believe the best about others, the hardest lies to detect are the ones people tell themselves. I want to believe you. I want to believe in you. But one of my jobs is to notice the ways you are inconsistent and bring those to the surface in a way you can deal with them. Being honest with yourself is a powerful place to begin.

Once when I caught my four-year-old son lying, I told him, "Buddy, this isn't good. If you don't tell me the truth, it hurts my feelings. Now you've lost my trust." To which he quickly replied with eyes brimming with tears, "Can you find another trust??"

Lying and deciet are the quickest ways to erode trust in a relationship. Once someone has revealed that they are good at hiding things, it makes it very hard to believe that they are letting you see who they really are. A person who has to be "caught" is a person you can't depend on.

Those who lie to themselves are equally untrustworthy. Not because they don't want to be good people, but because they are out of touch with their base impulses and limitations. They can't manage vices they don't admit exist.

If you have hidden your failure in a lie and you don't want to lose your relationship with those you've harmed (INCLUDING YOURSELF), the first thing you need to do is tell on yourself. Admit it quickly and humbly. Own the fault and the lie. Your person has a right to be stunned and need to grieve. They likely will need time and may not be able to re-enter relationship with you, but your best chance at reconciliation is to be the one who holds yourself accountable. Otherwise, no trust is warranted and the relationship will evaporate.

Starting to tell yourself the truth also brings a huge wave of grief. Admitting how you have failed and in some ways ruined your own life is painful. But facing reality is the first step toward creating a new life, on level ground.

My Little Liars