Grieving the Impossible

The scene opens with a mother sitting on a chair, huddled by a bed in a dark bedroom, only one lamp lit. She holds the hand of a boy lain flat on the bed, neither moving save her lips in silent prayer. The only heartbeat is her own. She doesn't believe it. This can't be real. She believes the pain of reality would break her, so she denies it.

How long will she stay here? How long will she demand the benevolent savior do her will ? How long will she rot with her boy?

There are only two choices in life. Sitting still and moving forward. We need seasons of both. But sitting still when it's time to move forward only delays the manifestation of the good new life.

Stillness is necessary for the depth of our souls to rise to the surface of our consciousness. We need to sit sometimes with the wreckage. Sit in the dark, in the reality of pain, like a lowly illegitimate family, giving birth in a barn.

But demanding a benevolent savior do our will is not hope, it's narcissism. True hope is trusting God can work with whatever ugliness is before us, though we can't see how He might do it.

What bleak reality have you been avoiding? Ask yourself this question:

What would it mean if this were true?

If you can't stand the thought of it being true, perhaps because it would mean the destruction of your worldview, or your ego, or the systems you've depended on for safety and survival, you are probably not living in reality.

Sometimes clients come into my offfice just to be able to say the truth out loud. In the whole rest of the world it's not safe for them to speak about reality. They haven't even been able to say it to themselves. But sitting in my office, with a supportive companion, they are brave enough to begin.

Take, for example, your poor performance at work: You're late. You don't turn things in on time. You forget to accomplish the tasks you've been given. There's a fairly good chance you'll get fired. But if you're honest with yourself about these things, you'd have to face your own failure and the shame of others seeing your failure. You'd have to consider finding another job and that your budget will be slim for a while, which can be really scary. You might have to admit to a partner that you aren't going to be carrying your fair share of the weight, risking stressing them out or even losing that partnership.

Pretending you're not performing poorly or that you won't get fired does not keep those things from happening. Praying you won't be held accountable is narcissistic.

Since you aren't willing to face their reality, you also won't be doing your work to improve your work performance. Because that just can't be real.

Acknowledging the wreckage before our eyes is the true beginning, an act of hope and faith. It's being willing to believe that nothing is too bad for our savior to redeem. Keeping our eyes pinched shut only delays the glorious new day. Those who can't open their eyes can't move forward.

But those willing to face their failures, their weaknesses, and their limitations begin doing their real work. They grieve what they once felt impossible, but now is the fodder for their future. They live solidly in reality and therefore make actual progress toward healing and growth.