Spiritual Bypassing

"God never gives us more than we can handle."

"The devil comes against us when we're doing the right thing."

"You just need to pray more, read your bible more, and have more faith."

Living in a conservative culture, I often hear clients describe experiences where well-meaning pastors and friends have given them simple adages In the midst of their distress. Unfortunately these platitudes can be incredibly painful and damaging both to the relationship and the emotional state. They make the suffering person feel unseen, dismissed, and ashamed.

I believe the intent is almost always to lessen pain and find purpose in suffering, but instead it devalues the emotional experience and misses the connection that could have been felt between two humans.

There is a term for this type of patronizing: spiritual bypassing. And in it's worst form, it can be spiritual abuse.

Spiritual bypassing is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid, ignore, or prematurely "transcend" underlying emotional wounds, psychological issues, and trauma. --Annie Wright

Spiritual abuse would include even more acts that harm personhood, attempting to belittle, dismiss, control or shame someone who is already suffering or disadvantaged.

Sometimes people who have participated in this type of culture will even spiritually bypass themselves! Rather than acknowledging their emotions, feeling them, naming them, and expressing them honestly, they rush to avoid their emotional experience.

Another example of spiritual bypassing can be when a person creates a narrative suggesting, "God told me to ____(e.g. walk away, climb this mountain, start this war)_____," rather than honestly facing their disappointment, fear, anger, or hurt. I don't know that every proclamation that "God told me to," is a farce, but I am skeptical when hear it, knowing how often that phrase is used to justify human will especially when human will is so often directed by self-protection.

So what do I do if my friend is suffering? What can I say?

As a spiritual person who cares deeply for my friends and as an ethical professional who cares for my clients, this is an important question.

Many people underestimate the value of silence in suffering: eye contact with compassion, breathing with someone who can barely take a breath, a gentle platonic touch. These moves make space for the emotion, acknowledging it and honoring it's weight. They send the message that "I see you," and "I am with you" without any words at all.

Other good responses are the classic support group mantra, "Thank you for sharing that with me," and "How can I support you in this?" These invite more expression of the pain and/or an adjustment of care if something more than listening is wanted. Some people very much want to be cheered up, but you won't know that unless you ask.

As a Christian, I want to do an especially good job of mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing with those who rejoice. Jesus demonstrated this by crying with Mary when her brother Lazarus had died--even though He was planning to raise Lazarus from the dead in the next few minutes!

The Gospel itself, the good news about Jesus, is a proclamation that God is with us. Therefore my task as a Christian in spreading the gospel is not about proselytizing, but rather about being with others the way I have experienced God being with me. I don't need to alter each person with whom I come in contact, I need to be with them.

Spiritual truths are important and incredibly helpful when they are wanted. But if our spiritual truths are loving and kind, they can only come after consent. A person in the depths of pain rarely consents to the addition of more painful content, like the dismissal of their experience or shame for their circumstance. A "spiritual truth" that brings additional pain does not reflect a loving God.

How should I respond if someone spiritually bypasses my experience?

Moving about the world believing the best about other humans, even when they hurt us, requires us to recognize the intent of someone's choice words, as well as their effect. We can appreciate their effort to comfort or distract us from pain, while also honoring our own pain and needs.

You could try, "Hey thanks for trying to help me see it differently, but what I need right now is to grieve." Or, "I appreciate you wanting to help me see beyond this, but could you just sit with me for now?" Or, "Thanks, but it's important for me to feel the pain right now; I could use a companion who is with me in that."

Grief is a wave that will pass. It's uncomfortable and can be disorienting. Find some companions who can be with you as you navigate it, without rushing you. The best truly spiritual experiences are those that come to us as we embrace our own vulnerability.