Sex as Play

What is it about adults that we forget how to play? My guess is it's the bills and the appointments and the meetings and the car insurance. The very word "adulting" implies all the hard, boring tasks that it takes to survive in life and to help our families surivive. We don't have time to play. We don't have energy to play.

But we should.

Yes, to survive requires a lot of work. Even the higher goal of thriving requires a person be intentional and strategic so they can have good things beyond just getting basic food into your mouth. But I would argue that playing is also essential for thriving.

There are smaller versions of us deep beneath the layers of our now slightly puffier, wrinkly skin. Like a little Russian nesting doll, we each carry inside miniature versions of ourselves that once explored the world with fewer woes about retirement and global warming. We loved Legos and Barbies and making pillow forts and digging holes in the back yard. We loved flirting with boys at school and making rocketships out of toothpicks. We could make a game out of slapping our hands together and jumping over a rope.

The creativity of children always fascinates me. They can take the most boring situation and spruce it up with fun. My neice recently pulled me out of the living room with a tiny elephant figuring and said, "Hide this in the bedroom and then I'll find it." Once I hid the elephant she came back to me with a small pad of paper and a pencil and said, "Now write me a poem that describes where it is." We took turns and played for an hour. Brilliant! And so fun!

As an adult play may look differently (though I know a LOT of adults who still love Legos). Adult play can be coloring or reading or continuing to play a sport. But one of the most novel forms of adult play is sex. In a culture that can sometimes view sex as dirty or naughty or shameful, viewing sex as play can be a real paradigm shift--but a healthy one! While I am being very sex-positive with this post, I'm not suggesting that all sex is safe or appropriate. Of course there are good ways to play and destructive ones--haven't you seen Toy Story!

Re-framing sex in your safe partnership as play can be a powerful way to connect and bring joy back into your relationship. Finding new ways to explore and laugh and pleasure one another with the goal of playing is very different from performing for one another or just viewing the act as perfunctory. In order for it to be playful and fun, both partners need to be considered.

A friend once told me, "Both of us seeing sex as play is what makes our sexual compatibility so high. We are both willing to explore together, learn as we go, vocalize what we enjoy, and build on the things we like, which, to me, defines what play is. Playfulness disappears in long term relationships because what's the fun in knowing exactly how things will turn out every time? Once a person stops being willing to explore/experiment with their partner, that's when the playfulness starts ot die."

If playing in your sexual relationship feels foreign, but you would like to experience more freedom and joy, consider checking out my course, The Truth About Holy Sex or sample a more brief shot of the content with Sex is Good.

Unsplash Drew Beamer