Become the Party

Walking with a lot of clients through dating, I have watched an interesting transformation happen. Clients longing to connect often first show up to the dating scene with an air of desperation. Whether they've been single for a long time or are recently divorced or widowed, they feel like they need the romantic connection. They are hungry and lonely and can be a bit "love starved." They can grasp at straws or accept breadcrumbs when they deserve better.

They are sometimes maniacally looking for a party to join.

But herein lies the problem. Desperately looking for a party to join isn't a bad idea except that you can become a complete chameleon in order to fit in. People-pleasing and codependency are hot adaptation strategies. You so badly want to be accepted there that you can't help but mold yourself to fit the other. It can feel great to finally be wanted, but it can feel pretty yucky to realize you're being "loved" only because you're a reflection of the other person.

A healthier strategy might be to become the party.

Becoming the party means creating the kind of life you don't even want to run away from. It means building into yourself, trusting your own value, owning your desires and goals in a way that makes your life happen for you. It means cleaning house, facing the parts of you that are out of shape or sorely neglected. It means learning how to take care of yourself. It means figuring out what you like and want.

Once you've become the party, you can invite others! Who doesn't like being invited to a party (even if they turn down the invitation)? Being the party yourself means you get to decide whom you let in and whom you bounce. Then sit back and see who invites reciprocally. Rather than one person bringing all the energy and the other person consuming or mimmicking, attending each other's parties can have a synergistic effect on both of your lives.

Unsplash Cristian Escobar