I finally made it through one of the most popular recent best sellers: The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt. Due to its focus on how devices and technology impact children, many of my teacher friends had read it with their schools and highly recommended it to me. Mr. Haidt is a good, clear writer and did not waste any time on fluff. The book is chock-full of research to back up his claim that the onslaught of digital technology, specifically those marketed and handed to our children (like social media and video gaming), in combination with less play and risk taking in the natural world, has fundamentally changed the way developing brains work. This makes it more difficult for them to live in and enjoy the "real world," which he gives the following traits:
embodied (where we are conscious of and respond even unconsciously to others' bodies)
synchronous (happening at the same time which includes subtle information like timing and turn-taking)
one-to-one or one-to-several communication (rather than everyone talking at the same time)
within communities with a high bar for entry and exit (so others are held accountable and highly motivated to invest in relationships and repair when rifts happen).
Most of the data is specifically focused on the effects these technologies have on children and adolescents, but much of it applies to our society and culture at large.
Defining the "Real World" in a Digital Age
The description in the first few pages of the "real world" was fascinating enough it could have been a whole book in itself. Mr. Haidt is pointing at some key elements of humanity as described above, revealing our design and thus the context for our thriving. As much as a person might want to think of themself as primarily spirit, we are embodied, therefore our experiences require and affect our whole body.
When people aren't able to engage their bodies (such as in a freeze state in the midst of trauma), they are psychologically damaged. When they're told not to use their bodies, as in when they are not taught to listen to their bodily cues (like in emotionally neglectful childhoods) or pushed to ignore them (like in some types of athletic or military training), they can become so dissociated that they fail to connect to other humans in a healthy way. There are even several religions where participants are encouraged to suppress all emotional and bodily reactions! But this practice leaves humans incredibly isolated.
Not that the body is the whole story of a human, but it is an essential part.
The other three conditions Mr. Haidt mentions are all crucial elements for a functioning society. Synchronicity and one-to-one or one-to-several communication requires us to attune to one another. It keeps us from becoming so self-centered that we forget how to pay attention to others. Psychologically it keeps us in the group, and when it's our turn, helps us to feel known.
The fourth condition is about healthy communities: those having a high bar for entry and exit. This is a fascinating concept we don't talk about enough. Modern society moves so quickly, both culturally and physically, that we often have little buy-in for the present state. We know things will be "here today and gone tomorrow," so we don't invest much or expect much of ourselves. Friendships become shallow and easy to walk away from, dating is more about momentary pleasure than a long-term investment, products are cheap and disposable. Even church can be high-entertainment, low-commitment.
I'm not suggesting a pendulum swing to make everything permanent and expensive, but a general nudge in the other direction would benefit us all. We'd need to slow down and allow ourselves to get a little more bored. We'd need to choose discomfort, vulnerability, and altruism to strengthen our relationships. We'd have to learn to endure more silence and a snail pace. We'd have to choose to relax and learn to still our minds, instead of numbing out. Mr. Haidt addresses this at the end, in the section he titles, "Spiritual Elevation and Degradation," which he approaches from a scientific standpoint. Technology undermines our own and our kid's ability to practice and appreciate theses vital aspects of real life.

Is There a Negative Effect of Technology on Child Development?
How does tech really impact our kids? The bad news is that so much damage has already been done. For girls, who are often more "communally motivated," depression and anxiety are on the rise primarily due to the comparison and bullying that happens through social media. For boys, who are more significantly stunted by the loss of low-structure physical play and tend to be more "agentic" in motivation, the damage is more exacerbated by their engagement with intentionally addictive video games. All media discussed has a high chance of causing addictive behaviors, especially with the hyper-focus of developing brains.
How to Shift the Impact of Tech for the Better
The good news is that there are things we can do to help the epidemic if we work together to regulate predatory capitalism and fight for our children to have the fun and freedom they need to grow up safely.
If I am honest, fighting the man behind the curtain is hardest for me. I find government and law-making terribly overwhelming to understand (much less trust the procedures supposedly set up for me to make changes within it). It is much easier to believe the stories I'm spoon fed through the media frenzy on all my screens and give up in my sense of helplessness. I am constantly having to work hard to understand the parts of the story I'm not told. I have to research, which is laborious, and dig for trustworthy sources. But I do want to know, who's actually pulling the strings? Who is benefiting from the pain of my children? And how do I stop them?
I've always been a bit tech-phobic, so limiting screens is one-hundred percent my jam. But even that is a fight in my house and has been for twenty years. It is just so easy to sneak it in. It is so easy to let it pet our brains into submission. It is such a simple way to have fun when life feels difficult so much of the time. But I do believe we can all learn to limit the things that steal our lives away. It requires insight and intentionality, and teaching our kids to do the same, not just doing it for them.
Perhaps a more interesting part of our battle against this cultural shift is to address my own fear of letting my kids be uncomfortable and bored. I have to send them out the front door, complaining every step, to see what they can find under the rocks in our yard. I have to endure their belly-aching about not being able to do what some of their friends are doing. I have to give them a shot at skinning their knees and even getting into scuffles with each other to figure out how to work those things out. I have to let them be kids in the outside world, without jumping in to rescue right away or referee all fights.
Rewiring Our Own Brains
Fittingly, this book made me anxious. I found myself panicked at what damage I may have already done to my kids in allowing them too much online freedom and not enough freedom in the outside world. I started asking them questions they were annoyed with me about. I started ranting loudly to my friends about "what a world we've created!" But I also found hope in the simplicity of his solutions: taking collective action as parents, implementing some simple rules (like no social media before 15) and then starting to get more curious about what is going on with the tech industry. You can consider supporting groups like the Center for Humane Technology.
I am reminded again that it is so hard to parent. We're all trying our best, looking for that middle line between coddling them so much they suffocate and shoving them out of the nest so hard they can't recover. None of us are getting it exactly right. But certainly fear in parenting is not the best motivator. Perhaps a bit of faith, grace, and gentleness towards ourselves, them, and each other would be a more effective method. It's ok if you've gotten it wrong so far. (Ok, maybe not ok now, but it will be ok). We're in this together.
For more parenting support check out my book Grace for Parents.
There was an internet joke, that if previously we had to make our kids leave the street and go home, now we have to make them leave home and go outside. They are glued to their gadgets now and that should be limited! But for grown-ups, sometimes it is not bad. I used to be hanging out in pubs most of my free time before. Now I watch sports on livetv and save time and budget. How? It's very simple. Live streams are free and instead of pubs I am now at home with my wife and kids.