Changing Your Mind at Home

My first two kids arrived very mild mannered. They were playful and sweet and seemed to want to get along in the world (outside of agreeing to sleep). My third child, although incredibly happy, was very strong willed.

When the others would toddle along into whatever event I brought them to, the third would run the other direction. When in trouble, the older two would sniffle and sit in time-out on their own. The third would scream, spit, and again run in the other direction. The older two might pout if I told them they had to try a new food. The third would downright refuse, throwing it on the floor, or smashing it to smithereens.

Before having kids, I used to run a very tight ship. I got things done on time. I was organized. I was a good student. When I had kids, I expected them to get in line. The first two complied. The third did not.

One day as I engaged in yet another battle of wills with my youngest, I realized, "It's not so much that the other two are better kids, it's just that he's the only one not willing to be bullied." It broke my heart. While I still believe in structure, he taught me that forcing someone, even a little someone to do what I want is not kind. There are better ways. Gentler ways. With more choices. Having firm but flexible boundaries makes room for everyone to collaborate on the best life together.

Over time I have apologized to all three of my kids. Saying "I'm sorry," is another way of saying, "You matter." Whether it is your partner, your friend, or your kids, be accountable for how you treat them. Recognize when your way is not actually gentle or kind. It's ok to change your mind at home and admit when you're wrong.