Changing Your Mind in Relationships

In first grade, I fell in love with a boy named Billy Brisco. He was sooooo cute. He rode the bus (I walked). He was a grade older than me. He had swoopy hair and light freckles. He smacked his gum. We would have made cute babies.

The next year, I walked in the front door of my elementary school to find he'd changed districts and I just knew I'd never see him again. I was devastated. What now? All my heart and soul was set on marrying Billy Briscoe. Well, I had to change my mind.

First graders changing their minds about their romantic relationships should be a relief to hear. But what about when you're a grownup and you've invested a lot of time and life into a partnership? What then?

I grew up with a religious ethic that said once you decided who you were going to marry, you were all-in, all the way, forever. I had two sets of intact grandparent marriages modeled for me and parents who met and stayed together since they were in high school.

I knew about divorces, but I didn't really understand them. As I got older and actually started dating, I had a very hard time not committing intensely to those I connected with. I started thinking about marriage before I'd even been on one date... Would they be a stable long-term partner? Would they be a good coparent? Did my first name sound good with their last name? And from the first conversation, I was trying to remember every detail that happened between us so I could tell our future children the story.

When I grew tired of a boy or he grew tired of me, we would very passively drift away from one another. I felt bad for hurting their feelings. I was afraid of rejecting them and thereby bruising their fragile egos. If they left me, I was sad for a minute, but usually relieved. I didn't like to be the breaker-upper... because when you partner you're supposed to partner forever, right?

And then my friends started getting married and almost immediately divorcing as well. I got to watch close up as unresolved conflict drove wedges, immaturity abounded, and emotional distance expanded. Most who got divorced were romantically divorced well before their legal divorces. Legal divorce was just the nail in the coffin.

And then I started to realize what a farce legal marriage is. Legal marriage is merely the government's enforcement of the enslavement of women. I've heard some say it's designed to protect women, but that's not what the data reveals.

Marriage in a religious context is often an extension of patriarchy—the objectified ownership of women and marginalization of some. The property (women or wombs or sex-objects) is transferred from the father to the husband. Now, can it reflect the faithfulness, protection, and deep romance of a benevolent Creator? Of course, but in practice, that is not often what happens.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I look back now on my young dating experience, I see how naive and risky it was. I knew some things to look out for. But I didn't even know myself well enough to know what I would need long-term. I was a smart cookie when it came to judging character and intention, but I had no idea how to identify long-term integrity. Nor did I realize how much humans change over time nor believe that sometimes that isn't for the better. I didn't possess the self-ownership to advocate for myself. I believed I was worth less than men. I believed I was supposed to accept what I got. I believed once I committed I was forever chained. And perhaps the worst thing I believed was that God would bless this submission to worthlessness.

If I could go back to my eighteen year-old self I would say this...

It's ok to change your mind as you grow and heal. Take your time. Relationships between humans are not designed to last forever. When they do last till death, it's only because both people kept choosing to maintain them. You don't have to stay chained to anything that destroys you. Some relationships are lessons. Some expand your understanding of what's possible. Listen to your gut. Commitment can be a beautiful thing when you're ready for it. When you're ready, be clear about what you're committing to. Committing to "forever" is silly for a limited being. It's good to re-assess from time to time. It's ok to change your mind. When the entire scale tips in the direction of stress and destruction it is certainly time to move on. You don't owe anything to anybody but God and He chooses to set you free. It's ok to change your mind.

Changing your mind in relationships can be incredibly painful. Especially when the expectations were for more than you can give. That's why it's so important to be honest with yourself about your own limitations and the limitations of others. It's important to re-assess regularly and course correct often. Make intentional decisions about the health and well-being of all those involved, rather than reactive ones. When you're dating. When you're married. When you decide to foster children. Even when you're parenting.

How to Know When to Change Your Mind

Every time we get lax on the bedtime, everyone melts down—time to change our mind. Every time we go out to eat ,we all leave crying because of the stress—time to change our mind. This one-parent at home thing means mom hates her life—time to change our mind. The two-parent working thing means there's no time to get the house in order or do any of the cooking and cleaning—time to change our mind. Someone perpetually feels lonely and unseen—time to change our mind. We no longer enjoy doing any of the same things—time to change our mind.

Now, what you change your mind to is none of my business. Not every change needs to be a breakup. But sometimes it does. Changing your mind just means saying, "What do we need to do that would work better?" And if we can't agree, then each adult is responsible for themself.

Being allowed to change your mind in relationships feels incredibly risky, but that is only because we haven't allowed it for so long. Many of us haven't believed we are worth having better. Being allowed to look honestly at the health of our relationships will likely mean some will dissolve. I think some people fear the unraveling of society if we no longer uphold legal and religious marriage; so many relationships haven't been assessed in a long time. Much poor behavior has not been held to account.

On the other hand, if we are allowed to change our mind, to re-assess what's working and what's really not, to hold one another accountable to a standard of love and thriving, healthy relationships will rise to a much higher level. It may be a painful pruning, but an extravagant blooming will follow.

Changing your mind means saying, "What do we need to do that would work better?"