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Choose Vulnerability

In my work with humans and their relationships, I often find that so many of us long for connection and intimacy with one another, but can't seem to get the depth we desire. Perhaps it's because we don't like to be vulnerable with one other.


Intimacy has a lot of components, but one of the most vital is our willingness to be vulnerable with those we want to connect with. Vulnerability can happen "naturally" when we experience a common difficulty together, such as a natural disaster or growing up in the same household. But if we want to intentionally build intimacy, we have to actively choose vulnerability, even though it is uncomfortable and puts us at slight risk. The biggest risk may be the pain of potential rejection.


I am reminded of the parable of talents (Gospel of Matthew 25:14-30), where three servants are given a sum of money to manage while their master is away. The first two servants invest their amounts and gain interest, while the third buries his, protecting the money but gaining nothing. When the master returns, he rewards those faithful servants who chose to invest, then punishes the fearful, self-protective one.


We each have the same opportunity as the servants. We are given one life to live. Will we invest, risking what we have in order to gain more? Or will we protect ourselves by hiding and staying stuck?


If you're ready for more depth in your relationships, consider one of these ways to choose vulnerability...


  1. Initiate the Connection You Want - Don't keep waiting for life to happen to you. Don't passively wait for the phone call or text. Don't just hope the person you like is going to move toward you. Make the phone call. Send the text. Ask them out. This is your life. Actively pursing risks rejection, but taking the bull by the horns is what it means to live.

  2. Let People Know How You Feel - Sure, they may not feel the same way. But how are you going to know unless you start the conversation? Once you know you can move whichever direction you'd like. Most people regret the things they don't say, not the things they do say. If you love, say it. If you're hurt, say it. Passive communication or "acting out" your feelings is only mildly effective and rarely accurate. Give your relationships the best shot by being direct.

  3. Let Yourself Feel - Many people who've lived in survival mode for a long time, who have been caregivers, or who have had to be the emotional stabilizer for others struggle to even attune to their own emotions. Once you realize you haven't been feeling, it can be very scary to face all the emotions you've neglected. Often there is intense pain and a deep sense of weakness and vulnerability even without sharing those feelings with others! A great place to start is with yourself, being honest about what you feel and getting curious about what you need to feel comforted in that pain.

  4. Ask for Help - Culturally it may looked down upon to ask for help, but a small request for help can be a big invitation for connection. Most people feel purpose in being able to help others, so they find joy and will lean toward you when you ask for their support. Communities function best when we work together, but we can't do that well unless we're communicating about what we need from each other.

  5. Say You're Sorry - Saying sorry can be humbling. It's painful to admit hurting someone you care about, even if it was completely unintentional. Depending on your level of empathy you may also experience intense regret and sorrow when you're able to recognize the hurt someone else is feeling. But apologizing is honoring the value of the person you've harmed. It potentially restores the connection that may be broken and re-establishes equality between you. The relationship is worth the pain you have to breathe through when you apologize.

  6. Admit When You Fail - Failure hurts the ego, but honestly and gracefully assessing your effort is the best way to learn, improve and move forward. Refusing to admit failure is often a form of perfectionism that keeps us stuck. Publicly admitting failure also keeps you accountable to your community and makes you more relatable.

  7. Learn Humbly - Acting like you've got it all figured out might make you look like a superstar, but it prevents you from learning. Many of us avoid asking questions because we fear looking stupid, but keep ourselves stupid by refusing to ask questions. If you find someone living the way you'd like to live, ask them about it! You don't have to swallow everything hook, line, and sinker, but get yourself moving forward by collecting new information. Being teachable (while still being discerning) is one of the easiest ways to grow.


All of these options will put you in a place of deeper vulnerability, setting you up for greater intimacy in your life!



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