Back to School Parenting Structure and Routines

As many of us are moving from summer break into the busyness of the school year, we find our lives speeding up to the cadence of chaos. The minivan barely slows down as it careens around the corner to plop kids off at one destination while the others hop in and buckle up just in time to make it to school, soccer practice, and then dance before rushing home to get dinner, sponge off the dirt and hit the sheets just to do it all again tomorrow.

The buzz can make your head spin. By November you may be wondering where the time has gone. Have I even had five minutes of eye contact with each of them?

Is there anything we can do to make sure we don’t lose emotional connection with our kids in the midst of the bustle?  What kinds of things do we need to consider in order to actually enjoy the school year rather than just survive it?

Changing seasons is hard for every family, but parenting doesn’t have to be merely reactionary to the activities coming down the pipe. Even a minimal amount of structure and organization supports our minds feeling calm in the midst of busy schedules. Kids who know what to expect, who have regular basic touchpoints throughout the day regardless of the alternating activities, can feel safer. 

Why is structure important for a child?

Kids who always feel rushed miss out on the slower developing parts of the psyche like patience and creativity that arise from what might seem boring to most. Kids who are able to experience a lot, but aren’t ever given time to reflect or connect over those experiences may not glean as much insight from those experiences as they could. Sports, activities, and classes are all great fodder for conversation. Do you have time for conversations with them?

If we can give ourselves some intentional expectations and guidelines, we can flex more calmly. 

Take, for example, “office hours.” College professors typically have about one-thousand different tasks they’re responsible for… teaching, prepping for that teaching, research, writing curriculum, faculty coordination, supervision of students, managing labs and other work spaces and events, answering emails, grading, etc. They’re also supposed to meet with students for support and direction.

If the rule was that you could catch any professor at any time to meet and discuss a paper you’re writing, professors would technically be on-call all the time. They would be stopping in the middle of class to answer emails. They couldn’t concentrate on a lab because of the number of interruptions. Not only could this be unsafe, but could also be incredibly annoying! Let alone that they might feel like they’re constantly failing… at everything.

Sound familiar?

When we try to do all the things all the time, we rarely feel we’re getting anything right. Hence, college professors host “office hours.” Even though they may be in their office at other times, they designate specific time during which they are available for students to stop by and get the support they need. All other requests outside of that time are directed back to the office hours.

We can do the same thing with our lives. By compartmentalizing what works for us when it works, we organize our lives, making them more efficient and productive. We don’t miss the most important things amidst the immediate ones. We can live intentionally rather than reactively. Parenting structure and routine can serve the whole family.

Tips for Building Structure for Kids During the School Year

GET FOCUSED - Brainstorming Activity 

When you’re starting a new season in your life (like the beginning of the school year), consider the following questions. Include all the members of your household in this brainstorm! Their ideas matter too and they will have more buy-in if they get to play a part in creating the structure.

1. What are your main goals for this season?

List what you’re hoping will happen by the end of the phase. How will you feel if it goes well? Check out Kendra Adachi's The Lazy Genius Way for how to identify what's essential.

2. Where are the tent pegs staked?

Meaning what things are already set in your schedule that likely won’t be moving… Church attendance? Piano lessons? Days you’ve already committed to a regular class or athletic practice?

3. What tasks do you want to be happening daily?

Be specific and reasonable. If you’d like to be spending time reading or praying each day, how much time do you actually think you’ll be able to dedicate? Basic pick up in rooms? Kitchen counters wiped? Aim small. You can always exceed your expectations. Getting some success will make you want to keep it up.

4. What are a few basic values you’re hoping to instill in your family at this time?

For example, “Use kind words,” “Pick something productive before you pick a screen,” or “Greet each other and always say goodbye.”

GET HUMAN - Countercultural Activity

Families who want to stay emotionally connected need to practice basic human connection activities, like looking each other in the eye and listening to one another. In such a fast paced world where we sometimes don’t even eat meals together anymore and connect solely through texting, these simple embodied gestures can get bypassed.

Creating habits such as thirty minutes of a slower wake up to sit together drinking a hot beverage in the morning or spending twenty minutes before bed just reading aloud to one another or talking about the day can be highly valuable to the feelings of connection. You also might consider car rides sacred, setting a rule about no screens so that real conversation happens or even a ten minute moratorium with silence at the beginning of car rides! Habits that may feel awkward at first will start to feel normal eventually. Be prepared for screen-saturated kids to resist! Just remember who owns those devices.

GET REAL - Clarifying Activity

Now it’s time to get very honest with yourself. Looking at your answers to the questions above, cut down the expectations to what you really believe you can do. Even if it seems like a piddly amount, a small amount of expectations done well is a thousand times more powerful than a long list of things you won’t follow through with. Getting some success is important for both confidence and clarity on who you are and what you’re ready for.

GET VISUAL - Family Calendar Activity

Now you need to channel your brainstorm into a visual. I suggest a poster board where you can list the above expectations. It doesn’t have to be perfect or beautiful. It just needs to be clear. If they want to, involve your kids in the production! They will have more buy-in the more they've been able to help in creating the structure. You’re essentially training your children to be more organized with their lives as well.

Once you’ve created your visual, put it in a place where it will be seen easily and regularly in your home. This keeps everyone’s attention. Kids love to look back at something once they start to put it into practice. It helps them remember what’s been said and what the expectations are. (That’s good for anyone really). White boards that can be daily checked off or sticker charts are a fun addition, if your kids respond well to a tangible checklist.

GET FLEXIBLE - Adjustment Activity

Once you’ve had a little bit of time with your new structure (a week maybe?) sit down with everyone and check in. What is working? What isn’t? Be willing to make adjustments that are more realistic for everyone. Remember—capitalizing on small success is more effective than shooting for the stars and landing flat.

Making Parenting Structure and Routines Work for You

I hope this season turns out well for you! You will lay your head down at night knowing you are being intentional and living your best life. Be proud of the moments you’ve enjoyed together and proud of your family for working well together. By the holidays, you can look back and celebrate your successes and learn from the things that didn’t go as well as you’d hoped, always aiming for a more realistic, joyful appreciation for family collaboration.

Example of a Family Structure Plan for the summer for a teenager