I've met a lot of really nice men. Men who want to do good in the world. Men who don't want to harm anyone. Men who want to stay in their lane and who would rather not cause a problem. I like these guys. They generally feel safe to me. They tend to be polite and quiet and gentle.
The problem is not their kind hearts. Nor their gentleness. The problem is that some things in life require actions that sting a little bit. (In the words of Boundaries, they "hurt, but don't harm"). Like pruning a tree or breaking up with someone. Sometimes you have to say it, like, "I'm so sorry, but this is not the relationship for me." Still gentle. Still kind. But also clearly true.
Those kinds of things sting like the dickens, but they're necessary. Without them, the poor girl hangs on for dear life thinking she's got to fix it, or figure it out, or problem solve, or change herself in some way to get things to click. She works HARD. She agonizes over the relationship and her own fault in the unsettledness. She FREAKS OUT in desperation trying to fix something that's unfixable—which all could have been avoided, if he'd just told her it was clearly over.
So if you're one of the nice ones, do the right thing. The hard thing. Tell the difficult truth. Own your part of the breakup or the disconnect or your "checked-outness". Call it what it is, so we can all move on.
Unsplash photo cred: Marek Piwnicki