Is Love Love?

There's a fascinating statement the queer community directs toward the homophobic community. It challenges semantics and potentially exposes an ugly form of manipulation. It also applies to one of the most common experiences I work through with couples in my office.

"Love is love."

But is it? The very definition of the word needs to be clarified. 

Differentiation Between Intention and Impact

Couples often come into my therapy office wildly upset and hurt by one another, when neither intended to harm. They love each other. What happened? There has been a miscorrelation between intention and impact.

A partner may not mean to be critical and judgmental when they stomp in the door and ask, "Have you not done the dishes?" And yet... it sure feels like criticism and judgement.

Maybe the intention was clarity. Or even appropriate accountability for an agreed upon expectation (which, by the way, is an important part of loving). Maybe they’ve had a really rough day that has nothing to do with their partner and are trying to elicit help.

But what was felt by the receiving partner? Are they "crazy" for feeling differently than how the words were intended?

There is a difference between intention and impact. And. They. Both. Matter.

A well-meaning partner wants to be trusted, loved, appreciated, respected, cared for. They want their character to be seen for who they try to be. An offended partner wants to be validated, acknowledged, and appreciated for what they contribute. My job, as a therapist, is to help them both differentiate between intention and impact and then to love each other better beyond those intentions and effects.

One partner can apologize for how their words and tone injured. The other can see and appreciate the heart behind the words and tone. So was love love? Yes and no. They can love better.

When Someone Feels Loved?

"Love is love," is most often used as a simple clarification to explain that when a person feels loved, they are loved. So if a couple (regardless of their genders or sexual expressions) feel love from one another, they are loving each other. This is in contrast to the homophobic argument that regardless of the immediate impact, love is exclusively defined by eternal consequences found only by following a strict set of rules, rather than present feeling and experience.

(This argument, by the way, is a contradiction coming from Christians, who also explicitly claim that Jesus is their eternal justification, not box-checking and rule-following. Hmmmm.)

We can likely all agree that sometimes manipulators intentionally con someone into feeling loved when they do not actually mean to love them (think car salesmen and love bombing psychopaths). But this is a particularly cynical assumption to make of one tenth of the population.

In contrast to my example above where the intention may not have been harm while the impact was harm, the queer community appears to be arguing that the converse is true most of the time: If a person feels loved, they are loved, especially when you expand the definition of love to include serving one another, listening, giving generously, and being kind. I agree with this position.

So is love love? In the scenario of “feeling loved,” yes and no again! Yes, it is an experience of benevolence, which most definitely is actual love. Perhaps not complete love, but what does that even mean and does anyone besides God Almighty practice it?!? (You can't tell me heterosexual love is somehow more complete. I've met too many heterosexual couples.)

When Someone Doesn’t Feel Loved?

Not only would this question apply to couples of all genders and sexual expressions, but it would also apply to the relationship between the queer community and the homophobic community.

Let's clarify...

Homophobia refers to the range of negative attitudes, prejudice, and aversion directed toward homosexuality and LGBTQ+ individuals. It encompasses a broad spectrum of feelings and behaviors—from discomfort and avoidance to discrimination and violence—and is heavily tied to rigid gender norms and societal inequality. [1, 2, 3]

(As a side note, it's interesting to me that the base of the word "homo" means "same" and "phobia" means "fear of.” So more literally translated "homophobia" might mean "afraid of being the same.")

So if the homophobic community is generally afraid of the queer community, distrusts them, and has decided they are essentially bad and wrong, how in the world could they possibly "love" them? Homophobia appears to be the opposite of love.

Because I profess Christianity (a religion defined by love), it is important to me to address the homophobic reputation of Christians (Holy Contradiction, Batman!). While some nominally Christian communities have openly expressed homophobia, many, many others covertly do so. The overt haters are presently not my concern. Their practices are so obviously not reflective of Jesus they condemn themselves.

Rather, today I am more focused on those Christians who profess to love gay people, while subtly oppressing them (perhaps unintentionally so??). They will say that "their sin is not worse than my sin," implying some human practices of expressing love and desire consensually are innately as evil as gossip, deceit and selfishness. What?!?

Even if you are focused on the equality of all sins compared to a holy God, you can't ignore the range of harm done by various sins. Are you really going to say that consensual loving is as harmful as lying? This is nonsense.

These Christians might allow gay people to attend their worship services and offer benevolence as they do to other marginalized communities, but actively avoid anything regarding their romantic experiences and most meaningful relationships. They will not invite those voices on stage. They will not allow them to be in any positions of authority and power despite believing "our sins are equal."

So here are my questions...

Is the queer community feeling loved by the Body of Christ?

and

If they're not feeling loved, are they actually being loved?

Speaking with my friends, family and clients who are a part of the queer community, the answer to the first question is, "Sometimes."

If the answer to the second question is the same as my couple example, then yes and no again. Yes, I do believe many in the Christian community are trying to love the queer community. But no, we have not done a good, unified job showing them they're completely welcome and wanted and important in our Body. We have not extended equal power. We have not offered respect and curiosity about the most important relationships in their lives. And in an incredibly harmful way, we have declared their very nature to make them bad, while for ourselves we assume good.

If you decide you want to argue with me about this, please first consider the fruit of your beliefs. Do you have any gay acquaintances? Have you ever asked them about their relationships? (If you don't have any gay friends, I’m wondering if you operate in any diverse circles or if you isolate yourself amongst people who seem just like you.) I dare you to ask them about their relationships with curiosity, not judgement. And then, be really brave and ask, "Do you feel loved by me? By the Body of Christ?"

You could extend this even further by considering what other communities you have avoided or excluded. Which communities feel safe and welcome at your place of worship? Church, we can do better. We should do better. We must do better.

It is our job, as believers in a Benevolent Creator, to extend the love that's been given to us. And while we may have intended not to do harm, we have harmed. Love has not been enough love in this department. Our intention has not matched the impact.