Coming Alongside

Many days sitting in my office, the political climate varies wildly from one hour to the next. One client will be staunchly in support of both the president and his policies (or what they know of them), but the next will be near treason, seriously considering a move to Europe. One will be using only over-the-counter oils to treat conditions that have been successfully treated with western medicine for a hundred years, while the next has had six different elective surgeries for cosmetic purposes and takes four psychopharmaceuticals. It can be mental whiplash to support each new being on the couch in front of me.

The therapeutic stance might appear Buddhist in nature, allowing each energy to pass through the room, rather than trying to stop it or enhance it. Clients make their assumptions about where I stand on things and I let them.

The ethical standard for our profession requires us to allow clients to make their own choices about their lives. We must allow them to have whatever beliefs they desire. We can provide research and resources, but must attempt unconditional positive regard, which is a fancy way of saying we try to be everybody's (professional) friend, no matter who you are or what you've done. Whether you are a murderer or a victim, we must honor your humanity and right to determine your own path.

There are limits, of course, requiring action if we suspect specific, tangible harm being done, but outside of those specific suspicions, we have to sit by as clients sometimes ruin their own lives and the lives of others.

While oftentimes humans feel compelled to influence one other (as they should!) this therapeutic role is different. It is one of being alongside clients, rather than leading them. It's not that I lose my own beliefs and emotional experiences, it's that I process those very separately from my clients, keeping their process about them. My goal is not to change them, but to be with them as they attempt change in whatever direction they decide is best. I can give tools, but I don't do the surgery.

From this position of alongside, I see a lot deeper than if I were to stop someone mid-process to influence them. You might compare it to reading a book about a character who lives a completely different life from you--except more intense, because they're in the flesh five feet in front of you.

From purely the perspective of my own life, the choices of other humans can seem completely absurd. Why would you do that? Why would you alienate that relationship? Why would you stand for such poor treatment?

But once another human is allowed to tell their story, the context of their choices start to make much more sense. They are more rational than they first appear. I believe that almost zero humans are actually crazy. But that doesn't mean they aren't wild. Wildly passionate. Wildly fearful. Wildly brave.

If we could all do a better job of coming alongside each other, we would become much more compassionate toward the strife of others.

What behaviors look crazy to you? Whose choices seem absurd? I dare you to come alongside them. Ask them... why? And not in a patronizing, judgy way, but from a truly curious stance. Tell me more about that. Even if you think you know, ask. And NOT just to argue with them. Let's make more room for each other's stories. Come alongside.