You Can Change Your Mind

For most of my life I have been a learner. I like to know why things happen the way they do. I have a lot of questions and I don't make up my mind quickly on things. I dig deep, ask around, do my research, then decide which side of the fence I want to be on.

One of the downsides to being such a careful committer to things is that once I commit I rarely go back. For a long time, out of pride, I thought I couldn't go back on things I decided to believe. I'm one of the most rational people I know. How could I change my mind without admitting I was wrong?

One of those things was my own grit. Because I found my identity in my determination to succeed, I judged others who quit more easily. I assumed because they didn't keep going that they were weak, less effective, less valuable. And because I judged my own value to be grounded in my tenacity, I felt I could never change my mind about being so tenacious. I had to be tenacious. My roller derby name is Tenacious B.

But one day I looked up and realized that my tenacity was hurting others. Not only because I was judging them for not having it, but because I was steamrollling and bullying my way through life. I hurt my kids' feelings. I offended frends. I made a fool of myself refusing to look honestly at the ways I fail.

I am embarrassed about that. It was prideful. It was ego-centric. It was unkind and harmful. So I decided to change my mind. Yes, I can still be a hard worker, but it's ok for me to also have limits. I used to see forty clients a week. Now I see twenty. I have run two marathons. Now I walk/run without a watch. I used to stay up and get four to six hours of sleep at night. Now I get eight to nine. I am happier. Calmer. Kinder.

You can change your mind too. If some former decision is actually causing you or others harm, you can decide to value something different--whether it's a cultural value like always having to be on time or do things independently, or a religious value like behaving fearfully toward people who are different than you. Notice the harm it's causing. As they say in recovery circles, "Take an inventory of your life." You can change your mind.