When we find ourselves saying, "This can't possibly be the person I knew… married… raised…" we need to ask ourselves if we really saw that person for who they are.
This inconsistency between what we assumed to be true and what we are currently seeing is called cognitive dissonance and means we need to "re-write the program" for understanding reality. But before you scrap your utopian scene entirely, pause for a minute to
1) Remember that we're all doing our best and sometimes that means downright failing.
2) Own that you (and your failure to listen) might be the cause of the misunderstanding (rather than the deception of your friend).
3) Give yourself the grace to recover and HEAR the new info before shaming yourself for being such an idiot.
4) Give your friend some grace to reveal a more complete version of themselves before shaming them into "evil" and "bad."
We all hide parts of who we are for fear of being rejected. When you pause, take a minute to appreciate and enjoy being given the chance to more deeply connect.