"You made me feel stupid!" "I don't think you're stupid! I was just making a joke!"
"You've left me out to dry!" "No I didn't, I was just working on other things!"
"You're stringing me along!" "No I'm not, I wasn't even thinking about that!"
Doing a lot of marital work I watch couples argue a lot. One partner will be boldy expressing their feeling, while the other is adamently defending their intention. In the midst of their contention, they often fail to recognize the giant chasm between the two points they're focused on, as if they're the same thing.
Most of the time people don't want to hurt their partners, but they still do. Being in any kind of mature relationship means working through these injuries together. And if we're ever going to find our way back to each other, we have to be able to agree on two points, and then do something about them. Those two points are that...
The one partner really did get hurt.
The other partner didn't actually mean to hurt.
In order to get to this agreement, the hurt partner first needs to express their hurt in a vulnerable way. They need to be able to describe the effect of what has happened. "When ________ happened, I felt_________..." is often a better start than an accusation. A mature partner will respond to this expression with kindness and curiosity, "What happened? How did it happen? What was it like for you to experience that?", followed by a sincere apology for the effect it had and a plan to do things differently.
The hurt is real and matters, even if it wasn't intentioned.
Saying you are sorry is not the same thing as actually make a change to prevent the injury from happening again. That change is where the real healing happens in a relationship.
Even if a mature response happens, It can be hard to believe the best about your partner when you feel hurt by them. And if the behavior is a pattern, it becomes REALLY hard. I'm not suggesting we overlook injuries that are repetitive. If the same behavior is happening over and over, an adjustment must happen or the relationship will burn out.
But if your partner sincerely apologizes and makes a change to do better, believing that they didn't mean to hurt you gives them the grace they need to recover from their mistake. If you can't accept their apology, resentment and mistrust will grow on your side of the fence and hopelessness may grow on theirs.
Partners who have apologized, changed their behavior and made amends will eventually grow weary of having their characters accused.
So the next time you and your partner are arguing again, slow down to ask yourself about those two truths... Is someone hurt? How can you lean in and care? How can you apologize for the effect you had on them even if you didn't mean to hurt them? And what was the actual intention? The intended heart of your partner matters and everyone needs grace for failure. Someone willing to listen, care, and make adjustments is certainly worthy of another shot.
Unsplash Sasha Matic
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