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Maybe it seems way too formal to talk with your partner about what you each expect in bed. Maybe it doesn't seem sexy. But remember that if you don't communicate well about that delicate part of your life, likely at least one of you is going to get hurt. Because humans just can't read each other's minds. Even after 20 years.

When I say sexpectations I mean things like...

  1. What are you ok with?

  2. What are you scared about?

  3. What do you like?

  4. What do you want?

  5. What helps you get turned on?

  6. What turns you off?

This conversation doesn't have to happen right as sex is beginning to happen. It can happen days, weeks, or even months before you actually engage. The conversation could be a turn-on itself, or it could bring up some hard discrepancies you need to work through before moving deeper into sexual intimacy.

If you were the only person involved, you could spend all the time in the world just exploring and experimenting, but when you have two people trying to connect, there needs to be clear communication for the joy to be complete! I think you will be surprised at how differently two people can see things. Working through those differences can actually help you feel more deeply connected. And if the differences are incompatible, it will clarify for both of you what needs to happen next.

Unsplash: Serafima Lazarenko

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May 11

Yes! These conversations don't need to be a formal, all-at-once sit down. It can be a progressive, ongoing conversation. To draw from some examples from my own experience, when I started dating my now-wife, when she first asked to kiss me we had a conversation about physical boundaries and we both agreed to save sex for marriage. About a month-and-a-half later or so, there was a time when we were cuddling, our shirts were off, and she shared how she felt comfortable enough with me that she was comfortable with the idea of having sex with me. To your point that the conversations themselves can be a turn-on, often how we discovered what turns us on was during making out.…

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